A year and a half ago, I made a promise to myself that I would stay consistent with my Hive.blog account. And for a while, I was doing really well. Writing, sharing, and connecting with people here brought me joy and gave me motivation. But life has a way of throwing unexpected things at us, things we can never truly prepare for.
The last few weeks have been very hard for me, and that’s why I haven’t been active the way I wanted to. My heart is heavy, and it hurts even to put these words down.
A few weeks ago, we had to make a decision that broke me inside. It’s one of those decisions no one ever wants to face, but life forces it on you anyway. Our dog…our sweet girl, our baby…doesn’t have much time left. And all I can think about these past weeks is that soon, she will be gone… and I will be left behind without her.
She has been my sunshine for 13 years. She has been my best friend, my comfort, my reason to smile on the darkest days. And now, she is fading. She is rapidly losing weight, her muscles are weak, and her paws can’t carry her the way they used to. But still… her eyes. Oh, her eyes still have so much life, so much love. She still barks happily when we come home. She still wants to cuddle with us. She still tries to chase the cat, even though her body fails her after just a few steps. She still wants to live.
But she is sick. And dogs don’t complain. They don’t tell you they are in pain. They just keep loving you, even when it hurts. And I know… deep down, I know she has already started to suffer. That is what breaks me. I don’t want her last moments to be full of pain. I don’t want her last breath to be a struggle.
Our vet told us that once the water builds up in her belly again, there will be nothing more we can do. And when that day comes, we will have to say goodbye. Just writing this makes my chest tight and my eyes full of tears. How can I say goodbye to the one who gave me so much love? How can I let go of the one who was my sun in the darkest storms of my life?
But I know I can’t be selfish. I can’t hold her here just because I am not ready to let go. She gave me everything, and I owe her peace. I owe her freedom from suffering. She deserves to leave this world with her spark still shining in her eyes.
I already told my boss that when the time comes, I won’t be able to just “go to work” the next day like nothing happened. No. This is not something normal. She is family. She is a part of my soul. Losing her is like losing a piece of myself, and I cannot just move on like it’s nothing.
We have decided that after the next treatment, when the water comes back, that will be the moment. That will be the time to let her go. To let her fall asleep peacefully, surrounded by love, without pain. Just writing these words makes me cry all over again. Because even though I know it is the right thing, my heart feels shattered.
For now, we have only a few weeks left with her. And all I want to do is be there, cuddle her, kiss her, and let her know how much I love her. That is why I cannot write much these days. Every time I sit behind the computer, she looks at me with her loving eyes, asking me to come cuddle instead. And how could I say no? Time is running out, and I want to spend every moment with her.
So now you know why I am not as active here. Writing will be my escape one day, maybe after she is gone. But right now, it’s just too much pain.
If you have pets, please love them with all your heart. Cuddle them. Tell them you love them every day. Because one day, sooner than we ever want, we will have to say goodbye. And the house will feel empty, and your heart will ache.
To my baby girl, my sunshine, my fighter...thank you for every moment, every cuddle, every bark, every spark in your eyes. I love you with all my heart. Always.
With love, @tinabrezpike and Baou ❤️
